September 1, 2014

All Access Press Club (Subscribers)



Online all-access is free to print subscribers. Username is your account number, 7-digit number before the expiration date on your mailing label. Password is your zip code.

 

 

Forget sugar plums, what about the candy canes?
Written by Sarah Minges   
Tuesday, January 08, 2013 7:49 PM

Where do candy canes go to die after the holiday season?  And the left-over fruitcake?  And the left-over cookies?  You get the idea.  Where do all those discarded sweets go?

Is there a land composed of lost dryer socks and stale sweets?  And who lives there? Is it the elves in the off season?

I know where all the consumed sweets go. Straight to my thighs.

There is no mystery there and my favorite pair of jeans don’t ever lie.

What is the shelf life of a candy cane?  Of fruitcake?  I feel either could last a fairly long time.

I am just not sure when it is no longer safe to consume them.

According to the internet (which also never lies), Jay Leno sampled a fruitcake made in 1878 in 2003.

He hasn’t died yet. Not that I advocate such dangerous food decisions.

Here is another factoid I stumbled upon, during prohibition; fruit juices (like grape juice) were substituted for the alcohol in fruitcakes.

I wonder if the juice fruitcake would also have a 100 year lifespan.

The internet also told me, with its ever-vast and truthful knowledge, that if kept in a temperature controlled environment, candy canes have a shelf life of two to three years.

Call me a food-snob, but I wouldn’t eat a candy cane that I had in my possession for more than a month.

And as far as fruitcake goes, unless the circumstances are duress, I don’t eat it at all.

So, here, in my food-snob head, is what I envision for the vacation land of elves composed of left over holiday treats.

Now, I have come across many a stale cookie in my day and have noticed they become very rock-like when past their prime.

Therefore, the walls of the fantasyland homes would be composed of brick-cookies, the structure would be reinforced with candy canes and the shingles would be made of sliced fruit cake.

What about all the lost socks?  Well, they would be used as curtains or throw rugs or other various levels of décor.

Perhaps they could even be used as a sleeping bag.  The possibilities are endless.

Admittedly, it is a vague schematic, but invariably, you get the idea.

The only question left to ask is:  what is the shelf life of a dwelling composed of expired foodstuff?

The world may never know.  But, it may be a good question to ask Santa next year.

Sarah Minges, Staff Reporter, is a graduate of Harrison High School.  She wishes you a Happy New Year.

Last Updated on Tuesday, January 08, 2013 7:50 PM