September 17, 2014

All Access Press Club (Subscribers)

Online all-access is free to print subscribers. Username is your account number, 7-digit number before the expiration date on your mailing label. Password is your zip code.


Embrace the Frozen Snowball theory
Written by Jim Robertson   
Friday, December 28, 2012 6:50 PM

Holy Cow! We’re still here!  Apocalypse, my Aunt Maud’s sweet patootie.

Well the ancient Mayans were wrong. Which kind of makes sense since they couldn’t figure out why they were going to disappear, why should we take their prediction of us disappearing seriously.

Just another end of the world scenario that failed to come to pass Or did it?  Maybe this is what they had in mind.

Ever increasing levels of violent climate events.  More frequent and deadlier acts of homicidal rage.  The total inability of government to act in the best interests of its citizenry.

I can just imagine some befeathered Mayan shaman considering the entrails of the latest sacrifice atop his stone temple and chuckling to himself as he envisions the future.  No wonder their civilization will fall.

American Idol?  And they think we’re weird for worshiping stone jaguars with feathers.  They get all verklempt over a mirrored ball trophy.

Honey Boo Boo?  Really?

On the other hand, we have had so many chances to wipe ourselves out and somehow have managed to hang on as Thornton Wilder put it by “The Skin of Our Teeth.”

You just have to believe that somehow, in spite of ourselves, we will go on.

For some of us, sleepless nights have the specter of awakening to pitchmen of various ilks hawking everything from vacuum cleaners to all natural rockdust for your face.

Imagine some poor Mayan awakening in the middle of the night and listening to some yutz in the clearing between their huts droning on about the latest and greatest in obsidian knives flaked to an extremely fine edge.

For now, I am going to be positive. Since you are reading this we did not come to a catastrophic end last Friday so I am free to make some predictions for the new year that is about to burst upon us.

First.  Some morning soon, I predict a large orange ball will appear in the eastern sky.  It will ascend the heavens and dispel the gloom which has settled upon our wintery environment.  This of course is known as the “Annie Principle”.

Second. Death and taxes will continue at an unabated pace for the foreseeable future.

Third. More and more reality shows will be shown to be contrived and scripted, proving the adage that truth is stranger than fiction.

Fourth. Civilization will continue to confuse prophets with profits.  Can Simon Cowell really show you the way to enlightenment? Honey Boo Boo. Really?

Fifth. We’ve already gone over the fiscal cliff. Can being 17 trillion in debt be any worse than 16 trillion to the average citizen?

At any rate, hang in there.  Be positive. Project an air of confidence. Embrace the Frozen Snowball theory which states, “50,000 years from now, what difference is it going to make anyway?”

It’s life. Don’t take it so seriously. You can’t get out of it alive anyway.  Best wishes for the new year. Honey Boo Boo. Really?

Jim Robertson is a longtime Harrison resident, a member of Harrison City Council, and a weekly columnist for The Harrison Press.